OPEN WIDE!
A TRUE
STORY
BEING THE QUIXOTIC MISADVENTURES
OF THE BOOB TUBE BUDDHA
BY
DAVID KING
“AND THEN THOSE WHO WENT BEFORE
AND THOSE WHO FOLLOWED CRIED
OUT, SAYING ‘HOSANNA! BLESSED
IS HE WHO COMES IN THE NAME OF THE LORD!
BLESSED IS THE KINGDOM OF OUR FATHER,
DAVID, THAT IS COMING!’”
-MARK 11: 9-10
“AND THEY SHALL SERVE THE
LORD THEIR GOD AND DAVID,
THEIR KING, WHOM I WILL
RAISE UP UNTO THEM.”
- JEREMIAH 30:9
“AND DAVID MY SERVANT SHALL
BE KING OVER THEM.”
-EZEKIEL 37:24
THE DAVIDIC KING
I’m not quite sure when I first realized I was the New Messiah- the fact was revealed to me gradually, in literary riddles and televised clues, which unraveled before me as I waxed and waned between conviction and confusion.
I suppose now, in retrospect, that it was obvious from the very beginning- from the miraculous nature of my conception to my auspicious mastery of teletranscendic techniques at the age of merely three- but I myself was utterly oblivious to my calling until the autumn of my eighteenth year, whereupon I stumbled across a trampled religious tract shuffled in amongst the fallen leaves beneath me. Snatching it up for a sacrilegious snicker I flipped it open to a random page, across which a heading read:
WHEN WILL THE DAVIDIC KING ARRIVE?
According to the pamphlet a sequel to the savior is slated to arrive during...